Who Needs a Smartphone Anyway

I don’t have any truck with Black Fridays. Never have, never will. Last week a friend mentioned it and I thought why can’t we stick to Halloween? Why do we have to import Black Friday, too? with the haunting pictures of crowds at the doors of American stores and the news reports of some of them getting trampled in the stampede. And then, on my way back from dropping Cat at school, I saw a bus with a whole-body ad for Nokia phones.

Yep. I went home and told my tech-savvy husband I’ve seen my next phone.  It turns out, there’s Black Friday for online shops, too (Yeah, I know, it took me a while.). Whenever my current Nokia drew its last charge I knew what the next one would be. Upon which my tech savvy annoyance of a husband proceeded to eviscerate the poor phone I had made the mistake of liking. He mocked it. He criticized the size, the design, the weight, and everything else. He questioned the mental capacity of the people responsible for making it. He was so caustic I actually felt bad for a phone and said so.

What followed was a two-hour research into phones. Rugged phones, to be exact. Rugged phones with buttons (I brushed aside his comment about T9-ing that was supposed to be amusing. As if I write  a hundred texts a day. Bleh.) Rugged phones with buttons that have an alarm clock function, an event reminder function and a camera. That was it. That was all I wanted from my next phone.

I was bombarded with words about memory, operating systems, and camera resolution. Yes, I wanted a better camera. I take pictures on my phone a lot more often than I text. Which is to say about once a month if I remember to take the phone with me when I leave the house. My phone is not an extension of my body. Because my laptop is. I find this shocks people but, really, I don’t go out much except on school runs. When I’m at home I’ve got the laptop. I’ve got messengers, CMSs, and emails. I don’t need them on my phone.

I do know a lot of people do. These people have every right to feel their phone as a sixth digit or an additional hand or whatever they choose to call it. That’s fine as long as they don’t text and drive or text and cross the street. I just don’t need it. What I need is an alarm clock, a set of reminders (the calendar of my current phone is so spotty with reminders it looks like it’s got the digital equivalent of small pox), and a camera. That’s it. That’s all.

That’s what I said again and again to the man I consider my better half not because he knows technology unlike me but for a host of other reasons, including his problem-solving nature. I didn’t say I wanted a phone right now. Yet as time ticked by it increasingly looked like I was getting one. With a Black Friday discount, no less.

Apparently, the rugged phone segment is crowded. Did you know that? I didn’t. There is an extensive choice of shock-resistant, water-resistant, runover-resistant phones. His Tech-Savvines has a Caterpillar, which is the most solid piece of communications tech I’ve seen up close. Also, it could probably knock someone out if applied with enough force. I like double-purpose products.

I really liked my double-purpose product when it arrived yesterday. Only it’s not exactly double-purpose. I feel a little cheated because the specs online said it weighed 250 grams, which would make it handy in a confrontation with any e-scooter rider who thinks the pavement is for scooters and not pedestrians. Alas, it’s much lighter than 250 grams.

It is also beautiful, has a separate button for the flash light (for all those oil well inspections I plan to conduct, of course) and buttons. Lots and lots of buttons. HTS and all of you feel free to sneer but I’m happy I won’t have to tap screens anymore. The sound nails make on screens makes me cringe and no, I don’t have long nails. I’m just used to touching things with the tip-tips of my fingers, you know, like playing the piano. Anyway, I now also have a metal box I can keep treasures in. A childhood dream come true. Christmas was early this year.

So, I got a smartphone, you say. It’s got Android. But I don’t have to use it as a smartphone, you see. And I won’t, not until I absolutely have to. Which will be about three years from now when Cat is old enough to carry her own phone and not pick up when I call so I’ll be forced to express my passive aggressiveness in texts. Which is fine.

Did I mention I hate talking on the phone? It’s the one activity I deeply, sincerely hate performing and only do it when there is no way around it. So yeah, I don’t just not need a smartphone. I don’t need a phone at all. But I like having a device that combines an alarm clock, a reminder calendar, and a camera, so that’s what I’m having.

P.S. I just dropped the Nokia on the tiled floor. It split into body and battery as it does every time I drop it. My heart sank as it does every time I drop the phone. It came back to life the moment I put it together but there will come a time when it won’t and this will be a sad time. It deserves retirement before it happens.

P.P.S. All right, fine, I am considering giving smartphoneness a chance. I mean, I might want to start using that Instagram account I was forced to make by a client. And maybe Viber. No. No. No.

2 thoughts on “Who Needs a Smartphone Anyway”

  1. Bonjour Irina,
    So if we hear you right, you don’t like smartphones nor you like to talk on the phone, however you like buttons!?!? If you keep writing about what you like and don’t like, beware Big Brother Google will know you soon in all great detail…
    For me, as long as you like to make persimmons jam…hihi!
    Happy Black Friday!
    Cheers

    Like

    1. Bonjour, Domenico,
      I don’t like-like buttons I just prefer them to touch screens. They’re a lot more solid as are hardcase phones. I like solid things because I’m quite clumsy and often drop things. Big Brother Google is one of the Big reasons I don’t like smartphones. 😀

      Like

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