by Da Pootz
image: Angelina Alexandrova
This test was sort of unavoidable, to be honest, so here it is.
1. What’s food for you?
A. I live to eat.
B. I eat to live.
C. I feed on sunlight and excrete pure energy.
2. What weapon are you happiest with?
A. Um… a knife? No, a shotgun. No, a shovel. Don’t know.
B. One blade, one projectile.
C. I don’t need weapons, I’m untouchable.
3. How long can you live without the Internet?
A. OMG, not the Internet!
C. I don’t need the Internet, information is fed straight to my brain.
4. How long can you run?
A. A couple of miles, maybe. But not right after a meal, I need my rest.then.
C. I don’t run, I am propelled by the pure energy I excrete.
5. Where would you rather sleep?
A. In a bed. Crispy clean linen, soft pillow, you know, the works.
B. In a tree/safe house with two exits. Safest place. For a while.
C. I don’t sleep, I recharge.
6. How often do you bathe?
A. Two showers a day, at least.
B. Only when it’s inevitable and there’s a river at hand.
C. I don’t need to bathe, I don’t produce dirt.
7. What’s your preferred means of transport?
A. SUV/sports car.
B. My own legs.
C. My wings.
8. What do you do when you encounter zombies?
A. Zombies don’t exist, I’m probably just hungry.
B. Depends on numbers. 1-3 go for the kill, 3+ retreat.
C. Try to make friends with them.
9. Can you cook?
A. Only high-quality, natural products for a balanced diet.
B. Give me a bunch of leaves and a couple of rabbit bones, and I’ll make you a meal you won’t believe.
C. No. I told you I feed on sunlight.
10. Can you kill another person?
A. Only if they’re trying to get my food.
B. Yes. And I have.
C. Another? What do you mean, another?
Mostly A: Fresh meat.
You live to eat but may very well turn into a nice meal for survivors yourself if you don’t stop thinking about food, hot water and soft beds. You have potential, but it’s likely to remain just potential. Spare yourself the trouble and let a survivor put an end to your misery. At least, this way you’ll contribute — survivors won’t need to look for food for some time.
Mostly B: Survivor.
You know your Brooks, Romero and Kirkman and good for you. Just don’t become overconfident because, well, you never know when you might inadvertently get between a Fresh-meater and their food. Just saying.
Mostly C: Nutcase.
You are delusional and psychopathic and I don’t want to talk to you. Fly away and crash over a sea of zombies.